Monday, April 25, 2011

Me and Myself and Priorities

"Single Mamas shouldn't waste a penny."
"Oh yeah? We need to live too, martyrdom only works for a short while before it backfires in self-destructive codependency."
"It's only a whim, you don't know that you won't find something different next week.. it's a trap, don't do it."
"have only what you find to be beautiful or know to be useful" - it accomplishes BOTH, haven't we agreed that is the green light? How much better can it get?"
"Free or very cheap. Trifecta"
"Shut up." "You get what you pay for."
"It isn't what you were looking for."
"It's better, and I can't have what I was looking for, that's not available as such."
"Save for a rainy day. that should provide enough satisfaction to compensate for the loss."
"It's raining already."

In the beginning of my marriage, maybe as far back as the engagement period, I distinctly recall telling my ex that I didn't care how poor we were or how much we did without, that I would be willing to pinch and sacrifice and plan ahead, etc. but there were only 3 things I really wanted to be sure were on the budget: music, the tools necessary to be organized [bins, software, whatever], and travel, [even if only by car and roadside historical signage and camping]. Later I discovered how much of a battle I was up against for financial integrity and within that battle I never gave myself permission to prioritize these three. I have been divorced for two years now. Emerging from my protective survival shell has been marvelous. I am learning again that I am a distinct person of value and that person is still alive.

And that person has battles to fight.

"I want it"
"you don't need it to live"
"What do you call living?"
"Not homeless, for starts"
"God created beauty. He wants me to have it."
"whistling a sad, sad tune"

It's all about this: Music to go on my new MP3 player, the one I found on sale which I carefully researched before purchase and I've wanted one for YEARS to keep me company in my lonely work (and now also my NOT lonely second job, not lonely - too many men who "like my smile" and want to play.. but one earbud is allowed and I think very appropriate to alleviate the otherwise boredom of the job any schmuck could do). Music, one of the three sidelined joys I need to make my world operate smoothly. Music that also reflects the beauty of creation - he has enough of my favorite old glorious tunes on there that I could listen to it for church every Sunday and have a complete religion plus some. But I was looking for Canon in D, that's it.. and I'm a poor single mama.

I'm going to be rich today, richer tomorrow. Joy is a richness of it's own.

"I said shush! You don't know everything! And you exaggerate too!"